On the outside looking in...

You've been there, haven't you? With a group of people you know really well, a group of people you love to bits, hang with all the time, and trust with your life? And still, no matter how hard you try, you feel like you're on the other side of the wall? You're there, and you know that you're okay, but you're just not actually In The Group. Capitals deserved.

I hate that feeling. And it's probably just griping, cause that's what I do best. I wish that I could help. Damn it!

/end gripe.

Love you, you know who you are...

Break breaks.

Well, Spring Break is over, which is both a relief and a disappointment. Yes, I am of the lucky few who gets two weeks devoted to nothing. Woot! I had an eventful break, that's for sure. Stuff has hit us out of nowhere, I think that's a good way of putting it.

I don't really know how to act around her, I mean, I know that she's hurting, and I know why, but I don't know what to do about it. And it hurts to know she's stuck in this situation. I wish I could help her, but... it just doesn't make a lot of sense right now. I keep trying to let her know I'm here for her, and I love her to bits. She's my best friend, and I don't really know what I'll do if she shuts me out. I guess I just have to hold onto the fact that our friendship has withstood lots of things, and hope it will weather this one intact.

In furthur news, the missions trip up to Zeballos went well. Fairly good, I really enjoyed hanging with the kids and getting to play at being a missionary. Great fun. Not without its moments, and I must say, there were quite a few of Those Ones. You know, the moments where it was either to funny, or too weird, to really explain. The You Had To Be There moments.

I should go do my homework. Ah, the joys of the L spare. Adios amigos...

Mr. Darcy

In the perfect world, all men would be ridiculously handsome, wealthy (or not, that's not the most important part, even if it is nice), occasionally brusque, and always, always secretly giant teddy bears on the inside.
Yes, Elizabeth was watching Pride and Prejudice again. Followed by a brief rereading of her favorite parts, and reminiscing about the joys of other classics, such as Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights. Beautiful books. Really.
I really wish any of those men would become role models for today... except maybe Heathcliff, who had a definate attitude problem. I'm not asking for guys to stand up everytime a girl walks in, just maybe that they remember where her face is (no, it's a little higher than most guys look).
/end mini post.

Dancing with the sky dandruff.

Turning, spinning, laughing... the world's a whirl of wonder, and I'm caught in the middle of it. Today must have been the perfect day. Really. Watching Chocolat in french. The Simpsons in BP. Staring out windows, watching the snow fall. Running and dancing outside with Levi. Catching snowflakes in my mouth - throwing my head back, mouth open wide, waiting for one to land on my tongue. So much fun. So much joy. Bible study, all about loving. English, just the three of us. Physics test.

Do you know what is the most beautiful, sexy thing in the world? Hearing something in a different language. I love languages. Just LOVE them...

Adios amigos.

Walking

Today at school we had an ICBC presentation in Chapel. This dude, I think his name is something like Kevin Brooks, came to tell us about how he wound up in a wheelchair, paralyzed. He was a big party guy, y'know, the ones who bring cases of beer and drive home completely smashed. And he spent all high school, and years after, doing the same sort of thing, but making it home okay. And then one night he didn't, and he wound up in the hospital for six weeks with tubes coming and going everywhere, and his passenger died. And that was so harsh to listen to. So harsh.
And it's such a reality check, because when we wound up finishing off the Chapel, Sloffee asked if anyone wanted to come lay hands on him and pray, and I totally went up... and he's just a normal guy. Y'know, maybe somewhere in his twenties. He looks like a totally decent, nice guy. I dunno, it just really made me think. Maybe somewhere, sometime, ICBC and all those other corporations that send speakers? Maybe they got smart, and realized that people like me- we listen to people like him.
It hurts that so many people don't listen though, and think they are invincible. HOW MANY DEATHS, and horrible stories, DOES IT TAKE? How much do they have to see before they realize just how stupid this all really is.
The whole time he was talking I wanted to cry. Did, maybe a little, for more than just him. I cried a little for Bart, too... My cousin, who wound up in a motorcycle accident, nearly DEAD and in the ICU for such a long time. I saw him, my word, I guess the last time is about 1 year ago, but it feels like yesterday. He's so full of life, but he's different too... head trauma. One of my favorite cousins, seriously. Love him to bits.
And I can't get over how stupid all these things start as- drinking a little more than you should; holding onto the keys when someone wants to take them; forgetting obvious, little things (like driving on the right side of the road...)
Kevin can't walk anymore. Maybe more people should be walking.

Bitter

a whirling
dizzying spin
and all you see
color
too many
mixed
and you feel sick
but you hold on
because
it's beauty
and pain
and more than that
it's you

you fix your eyes
look ahead
beyond the rain
splattered windshield
and wish
for sunshine and
a world with less pain
a pain that isn't
so bitter
metallic
so strong in your mouth

you want to let go
but you can't
it's too hard
too much and
too there
for you to just
let go
it keeps you sane
and binds you
down
stops you from
flying up high
but it's
real and
there and
alive

... and now i see, life is like a pond with a rock thrown in, and the ripples are fast and slow and in between...
and we get caught up in them, and we forget that it's just a pond, and ripples don't last forever...

Real, homemade chocolate-chip cookies.

If goodness (or, for those 1984 types, double-plus-good) could be summed up in food, I would have to say it is a fresh, Gramma Stew, chocolate chip cookie. Not warm, anymore, eaten after your English teacher, a certain Mrs. Stewart, brings a whole suitcase of cookies into your classroom and "shares" with you. Five boxes of delicious varieties, all left over from the almost-winning basketball provincials, all waiting for your perusal.
Of course, I had to eat FOUR cookies. No, Elizabeth was not happy with one, or even two. Four is the preferred number. Bear in mind that I missed my morning because I was sick, that I have, as of yet, only eaten a few cheerios, had a mug of tea and four bottles of water, and now, of course, FOUR cookies. Two chocolate chips and two peanut butter.
So other than my horrible scratchy, painful throat and irritating cough, my day has been rather good. I woke up at 6 45 and realized that, no, I could not, in fact, get up. So I slept in, then got ready and came to school in time for my L block spare, and the rest of the afternoon.
CONGRATULATIONS to the boys basketball team, who did in fact, beat GNS for the Provincial Championships, and made the others cry. Woot woot!!!
And right on the heels of that, consolations to the girls, who lost the final match by ONE point, and SHOULD have won, because even the audience realized that the reffing sucked. But they were good examples of why our schools is called Pacific CHRISTIAN school. Good job all!! (And Rosie, you're always my hero, you know that!)

Like a present

Have you ever felt so blessed, so overwhelmed with joy and happiness and the appreciation of life that you couldn't contain it? I've felt like that for the past two days or so. It's the most amazing and horrible thing at the same time. Amazing, because I feel like jumping out and embracing everything life offers, as though all of life is a giant gift to be enjoyed and savoured. But at the same time, it's horrible because it makes me feel so guilty to be SO blessed while so many have nothing. I feel so angsty. Ugh.
But the positive game is winning here, because I love the feeling of lying on my deck, soaking up the GLORIOUS sunshine in early March, doing nothing and being absolutely content with that. I love life. It's a wonderful time of year, with all the flowers budding, and all.
Thank you, Father!
Hearts to everyone... and you, you know who you are, I'll always be here, kay?

If the sky wasn't blue, would I be me and you be you?

Have you ever felt like the whole world is passing you by? As though you are stranded while the world rushes by? As though, no matter how hard you try, you are resistant to the change that surrounds you?
I hate change. I'm afraid of this ending, of losing two precious friendships. I'm scared to lose what I hold on to, and I'm terrified of the road paved with good intentions. I know you said this wouldn't change anything, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

It's hard, too, when we only ever see each other once a week. How do you cultivate a friendship on 10 minutes a week? Is it even possible? If it is, why isn't it working? I see just a glimpse of who you are, and I can't help wanting to get into your head and see more. Is it wrong to assume a friendship on something this tenous?

A wise person once said that "it is better to have loved and lost then never to love".
They died alone and sad. (Oh, I know I made that up. But isn't that a possibility? I think so.) But at least the quote has graced Hallmark with its presence...